Photo courtesy of gallicwars
People Magazine is reporting that Rihanna and Chris Brown are back together.
CBS reports further:
The singers have reportedly reconciled less than three weeks after
Brown allegedly assaulted Rihanna the night before the Grammy Awards.
Julie Dam, People’s senior editor and clinical psychologist Dr. Jeff Gardere talked to Early Show co-anchor Julie Chen about the apparent reconciliation.
“Julie, People broke the story that they got back together. How did it happen?” Chen asked.
“Well, you know he did reach out to her on her birthday last week.
And since then they’ve sort of been mutually talking. And as of last
week, they were together in Miami,” Dam said.
“I think it was sort of the big moment when he called her on her
birthday and they both care about each other, we’re told, and they want
to work out their issues,” Dam said.
“Jeff, does this surprise you that they’re back together?”
“Julie, it doesn’t surprise me at all because we see, in the cycle
of domestic violence, if, in fact, this happened and we think it has,
of course, that when the perpetrator, the abuser, finds himself in a
situation of he’s in trouble in the relationship, he’s on the outs in
the relationship, he will beg to come back. He will send gifts, and we
know gifts have been sent. He will say, ‘I won’t do it again.’ And with
the victim of the domestic violence, we find that they sometimes blame
themselves or feel that they’re responsible for what has happened,”
Backhanded to the floor for being sassy
My grandmother Mary left her first husband, Earnest, because of abuse. Earnest raised his hand to Mary and backhanded her across the face.
But before Mary left Earnest, right after he slapped her so hard she fell to the floor temporarily dazed, she got back on her feet. She made sure to snatch his eye-glasses off his face, throw them to the ground; stomp on them and crush them. She then took a frying pan and chased him around the kitchen table with it until he fled out the door.
Earnest was bigger than her and stronger than her. He initiated the attack by backhanding her across the face. Mary ended it by breaking his eye-glasses and picking up a domestic utensil and transforming it into a blunt weapon which she wielded to defend herself.
Mary told me all about the many, many abusive acts that led up to that one time Earnest hit her so hard her head spun: he belittled her, he threw things at her, he used hateful language, he screamed so loud at her that her ears hurt. But that’s not all.
All her fault
He blamed her for the problems in their relationship and he provided proofs. He said she was a bitch, that she made him miserable. He proved it to her by getting drunk. He told her she was ugly. He proved it to her by cheating on her. He told her she was stupid. He proved it to her by duping her. He blamed her for his temper and loss of
self-control — he said that she provoked him. He proved it to her by treating
her, and only her, in that violent way.
Bait and switch
Image of fish hook via wikipedia
Mary stayed married to Earnest for years of abusive behavior that stopped just short of being physical. Why would she have stayed with him after a pattern emerged of abusive behavior? Why wait to be hit before leaving? Why would any woman stay with someone like that? One reason is the old bait and switch. When Earnest was wooing Mary, he told her how happy she made him, how beautiful she was, how clever. He treated her special and she fell in love with him. His wooing self was the bait. Once he landed her she got the switch. And Mary kept looking for the bait-Earnest long after the switch occurred — right up until he backhanded her to the ground and she could finally see how sharp the hook was that he had caught her on.
The story of my grandmother breaking Earnest’s glasses and chasing him with a frying pan has turned into a family legend. But it’s one that’s been told to show her spitfire ways and fiery temper. I think something got lost in the telling. I think it’s less about her temper and more about her indomitable spirit. Fighting back does not mean that you possess a temper of legendary proportions. It means you wont take things lying down.
Earnest never stopped trying to get Mary back. Years later he would still call and leave messages for her that he just wanted to hear her voice, “Nobody’s voice can touch me like yours, Mary.” Yeah.
Current events: grow some legs and walk away
Rihanna has me thinking about my grandmother’s story. Chris Brown is wooing Rihanna to win her back after his alleged assault. He sent her jewels and flowers and presents, lures to lull her to him. I see him putting himself on that hook. He is comfortably ensconced in the bend and making himself look like the only thing for her. But once she bites she’ll find the switch has been made –again — and that she’s on the end of his hook. Right now, it looks like she is caught: hook, line and sinker. I wish for Rihanna the same strength that my grandmother had — to grow some legs and walk away.
Image courtesy of gosmokefree.co.uk
Annette Marie Hyder
Barbed kisses —
it can happen to anyone.
But don’t just flounder
leaving it there to fester either
because it must be removed.
There is the danger of infection
but there is also the promise
that the person who has you on the end of that hook
is not going to be satisfied with anything less
than pulling you around against your will
pushing you to twist at the end
digging the hook in deeper with every move you make.
The barb won’t work its way out.
It wont disappear.
Band-Aids and kisses will not blunt its sharp tip.
I say remove it with care. I say have your hands clean.
But I say if there is no other way
then tear it out by any and all means.
Smack the water a hard goodbye
with the fin you will use to escape from your drowning.
Rip that fin in two to make yourself legs
so you can walk away.
Rihanna alleged victim of Chris Brown